The Spirit Realm

I actually had a disturbing number of these happen in my games ....


3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
I don't know about that, I have yet to see a non-trigger-happy gnome in my games.

6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
Been there, done that. It kind of works as long as your panic reaction is "what's my biggest buke?". Also see no. 3.

7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
Why not??

10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
Or, for that matter, any number of writers. (If you are reading this Tom Clancy - get a proofreader who speaks german if you are going to use the language. Thanks.)

13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
Bah! Must. Kill. Boring. NPCs. Well, luckily I don't see these too often.

15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
That is a vile and evil lie. "plan b" is always "massive firepower".

16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
If you beat it in the first place you deserve to. That is one of the most vile and random-death-heavy "adventures" ever designed. You can have just as much fun rolling a die every 2 minutes and on a 6 someone dies.

19. Drow are not good eating.
My EQ shaman would beg to differ.

26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
Anyone care to explain to me what this "valley speak" is?

27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000.
Someone has never played paranoia.

28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
Funnily enough, in the DnD Forgotten Realms setting it is.

33. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'
Edible goo, eh?

50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
These kind of things always bug me. "reality" in a game with magic?

54. Cannot pimp out other party members.
Sure, you just need Dominate Person.

58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.


62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
Like, shoot after Greebo?

73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
Not enough ogres and orcs in this man's games I take it.

74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"
Thief? Battle? Cry? That's multiple oxymorons right there.

80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
... or live with "not playing fair". Oh nos!

85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
Fire purifies, no?

114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
Does not fall? He has no limbs, how does he resist it?

122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
Hopefully not. I have seen some of these.

134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
Nope, that would be the Star Trek cast of expendable characters.

135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
Bah, electrum was a currency metal in DnD 2nd edition.

155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
How about "this magic tattoo only works if applied to the chest"? Yes, had that happen. It was a gnome who did it too ...

158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
That actually works in both DnD and Shadowrun.

162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
We ate that giant teleporting crab. Tasted like chicken.

171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
I will have to steal this one ....

182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
Teach those GMs to create new plots I says!

186. No cutting line to be a god.
What, gaining infinite psi points, infinite spells, infinite levels, infinite damage or the ability to cast any spell at will does not count? Bah.

197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
More like, "can not stay sharp by killing 1000000000 goblins". And rightly so. Yes you players, goblins do not give you experience when you are level 50. No, not even a gogoolplex of them.

205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
Of course he can't, they already exist. (really)

214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
There should be. Failing that, there should be a device to slap every author of the words "cn u t3ll me how to be leet i wnna be c00l like drizit" in the face over the internet.

228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
See the Feng Shui rulebook. Quote "time is elastic. If you kill Hitler WW2 will feature a Germany lead by a guy named Artur Hutler".

Dual wielding small animals is strictly forbidden lol

Lemy

I think dude addresses the livestock thing in multiple points, so I don't know which to quote, but my group did that, too. Goats are only like 2sp a head in the Player's Handbook, and it's pretty freaking hard for a GM to argue there are no goats around to buy in a medieval setting. Some adventures we'd herd a dozen or more ahead of us in dungeons. Amazing utility: springing traps, masking party noises/smells, never have any problems with secrets being hidden under rugs or behind drapes, cause the goats eat just about anything organic & non-magical. It's also a rather huge challenge for a goblin with a club to get at your casters/archers past The Herd. Man o man, good times. Good eating , too

I knew a guy who successfully argued that he could summon some ungodly amount of ooze, or jelly, or whatever, in 1st Ed. AD&D. Side effect was lowering ambient temperature 10 deg per summon. He just froze the town one night and we looted it.

My first AD&D session was Tomb of Horrors. We all died trying to find the enterance (those who have ever played TOmb of Horrors will remember how nasty just getting in was). We re-rolled new characters, bought a fleet of pigs, and drove them ahead of us to find the rest of traps. We didn't make it much farther, but at least we had some good BBQ before we died again.

No making up polearms. Heh heh.

I cut my RP teeth on Tunnels and Trolls 20+ years ago ... you wouldn't believe how many variants of 'choppy head on big stick' were recorded in that almighty tome. Ah, memories ...

I just re-found the original link this MMORPG spoof is based on, worthy of a post (I love the original more!):